Conversation starters

Use this page to start conversations with people about family violence.

Initial comments or framing statements

Initial comments or framing statements will help you start a conversation about family violence. You could make these comments routinely to everyone so that it becomes a normal part of your practice.

'Here at our organisation, we take family violence seriously. We ask everyone we meet if they're OK at home or in their relationships and if they're experiencing family violence. We reassure everyone this is a safe place to talk and ask for help.'
'In our agency, we routinely ask our clients questions about family violence and whether they're experiencing this now or have done in the past.'
'I'm going to ask you some questions about your family life and whether you've experienced family violence. Our service believes it's important that we ask our clients these questions in case they need support.'
'Many people, families and whānau I meet are experiencing a lot of pressure in their lives, which is having a negative effect on their relationships. Because of these pressures, I'm going to ask you some questions about family violence.'

If someone discloses to you that they're affected by family violence, it's important to say you've heard them, you believe them, and you'll support them. Then tell them you'll need to ask some more detailed questions.

Getting more detail

After your initial questions, you'll need to learn more in order to give the most appropriate support. Some of the questions below may help you get started.

You could start with 'Can I ask you some questions so I can see how best to help you?'
'From what you’ve told me, it sounds as if there is some (mention the forms or signs of family violence you think apply) occurring. I need to ask you some more questions about how things are at home.'
'Are you afraid of anyone at home or who you're in a relationship with? Have you been afraid of anyone in the past?'
'How safe are you at home or in your relationships? How safe do you think you might be after our meeting today?'
'Has anyone ever followed you, or had someone else follow you, or turned up unexpectedly to check up on you?'
'Are you in charge of money you earn or does someone else control it? Do you have a say in how your household's money is spent?'
'Have you ever felt you’re not allowed to see or contact your family and friends? Does your partner or another person prevent you from doing things you like to do?'
'Has anyone stopped you from using your phone or checked your phone to see who you've been in contact with?
'Has the violence been getting worse (more frequent or more severe) recently?'
'How frightened of or at risk from the person do you currently feel?'
'Is anyone making you feel unsafe or harming you and/or your children? Are you worried about your safety or the safety of your children?'
'Has anyone physically harmed you or anyone in your family or whānau in the past year or at any time in the past? Some examples are being hit, punched, kicked, or having someone's hands placed around your throat?'

Next steps

When you've detected that someone is experiencing family violence, you can ask more specific questions that match the person's situation.

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